kashownly's Xanga

Sunday, November 08, 2009

Sun, 08 Nov 2009 19:02:58 GMT

Amanda

I don't know if you are, but please don't read my xanga page. Two reasons:

1) If we never get back together, then you shouldn't be distracted by me in any way, and I should have my privacy. This xanga page is, and always was, primarily for me to have a place to say my thoughts undistrubed.

2) If we get back together, I'd like to have things that you don't know about, so that I can tell you them, and we can have something to talk about, rather than you already knowing everything that's gone on for me.

Please be strong, and resist looking at my page. I will do the same for yours.

Saturday, November 07, 2009

Sat, 07 Nov 2009 23:21:02 GMT

Borders...

I held the book in my hands. Read the foreward. Read the first sentence of the prologue. I felt chills run down my spine, and goosebumps spread through my arms. I put the book down...I must be patient. I think I have to wait until I graduate to start this adventure again...

Saturday, November 07, 2009

Sat, 07 Nov 2009 21:10:27 GMT

What gives you such courage?

Principessa, l'amore.

Turandot, you are a cruel bitch. I'm glad you were conquered.

La Fille du Regiment, Aida, Salome, Elephant's Graveyard, Wicked, and now Turandot...what a fantastic term! The last time I had a term so filled with events not related to school may be 2002, when it was a term packed with amazing sports. Wish I could see Tales of Hoffmann Dec. 19, but the Feast tech reh will be a good time, too, in its own barely functional way.

In retrospect, although Aida was fantastic, it was my least favorite thing I've seen so far. It certainly has its moments, and the Triumphal March is definitely one, but other than the music doesn't quite grab my long term memory. Perhaps more my fault than Verdi's, but still. Turandot is just non-stop gorgeous music. So many fantastic choruses and arias. Even the smaller stuff is beautiful. Liu, your devotion is unreal, but moving. What a great singer, too. Liked her better than Turandot, haha. Still, Salome has trumped all.

Stupid satellites!!!

Friday, November 06, 2009

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 07:23:05 GMT

Presentation today. Didn't even start on it until 1:30 am last night, so didn't sleep at all (this after only two hours of sleep the previous night). Very shaky today, but presentation went better than I expected. I forgot to finish making one point that I'd started and felt was really important, but other than that, prof. Reynolds stopped me at 25 minutes, and I could have kept going, so at least there was that. Hopefully what I said was informative and along the lines of what he was hoping for. Went home, slept afterward, set my alarm for 6 to wake up in time for rehearsal at 7. Aaron texts me at 7:05, are you coming? Shit. Wake up, dash out, 20 minutes late. Never happened before, never been more than 3 minutes late, and that only twice, ever. Very embarrased. Holoman conducting sectionals in Mondavi green room. Very satisfying to work with him again. Vulture stance, harping, "no no no no no!!" Lots of fun.

BnB after rehearsal. I'm surprised, but I'm happy. Some activities with friends tomorrow. Class. A full day planned for Saturday, some studying on Sunday. I think it's going to be a really good weekend. Life goes on.

Thursday, November 05, 2009

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 13:19:25 GMT

Even after everything, I feel so drawn towards you, because of the things you say, because of who you are, and the fact that I feel with you I've experienced perfection, even if, yes, it was a long time ago. Things may have only worked right for six weeks or so, but they are the most memorable and wonderful six weeks of my life. I've been trying to get back to that state of mind, and I thought I'd finally made it. I hope this is just a case of bad timing, and that time decides to be nicer to us soon, and permanently. I know I want to be nicer to you, and really be someone you can want. I wish things could work out because you are such a wonderful person, I think we can be amazing together, and I wish I could be there for you the way I once was, back in the beginning. I was so ready for that.

I believe you, that there is hope for us. I'm just scared I've lost the most wonderful person I've ever met. I wish there was a way I could show you how important you are to me, and how happy you've made me. But I know I have to let you go now. Maybe that's all I can do to show my love anymore. If so, I'll love you so much that even I will move on, to really let you be free. If that makes any sense. It sounds cliche, a little overly romantic, but it's the truth. You deserve complete happiness in life, and if I can't give you any more by being with you, then I'll make sure to be out of your way so I don't mess up your next chance of finding it. Losing you is anguish, but seeing you happy, I will be fine one day, and be happy myself. I look forward to that day so much. I want to find my own happiness.

You probably don't understand now, but I have so much to thank you for. You're always in my heart, too. Goodbye, and best of luck.

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 23:01:50 GMT

I feel like this quarter has just started, and yet, it's going to end amazingly, blissfully soon. I need a break, a chance to recharge, to gather strength and prepare to pour my energy into the next phase of my life. Right now, I barely have any left. The rest of my personal work for the quarter boils down to:

presentation tomorrow
4 or so more short papers (hoping to get out of writing a term paper for this class)
2 more listening quizzes (I think)

2 more listening quizzes
one term paper
one final exam

Other than that, everything else I have is a time commitment on campus. I'm sluffing research again this quarter, just getting by. Same thing for conducting. For Orchestra and Prokofiev quintet, I just have to practice a few sessions and I'll probably be good. That leaves me with 25 hours of class per week, after I add all the time I spend up (21 of which will be gone next quarter!!!!!!!! And will be replaced by...time in my lab!!!!!!! Woo hoo! - kinda haha). Actually, as busy as I am, writing this down makes me realize it would be much more doable if I just slept properly. On that note, back to work =)

Tuesday, November 03, 2009

Tue, 03 Nov 2009 10:42:43 GMT

Oh NASTY!

I was gonna throw out my pumpkin today (first one I ever carved - had happy smiley face, w diamond eyes and one lower tooth. I messed up on bottom of left lip, and let the knife slipped, causing my pumpkin to become the Joker). Over the last couple days bugs have started to live inside it. Today, when I looked at it, I could see inside and it was a mass of BLACK!!! I walked forward, reached my hand toward it, and as I was pulling the top off it occurred to me that today there would probably be a lot more bugs inside than a day and a half ago, which was the last time I looked at it, and that probably not all of the blackness was mold (which I could also tell was growing on the inside). As soon as I thought that, the bugs started to swarm out from the top I'd just opened, forming a thick cloud right above it, and flying around in circles in front of my face. It was disgusting!!! I didn't even think it'd make me that squeamish, but there were hundreds of them...

I put the top back on and walked away. I paced for a few minutes, built up the nerve to approach the nastiness again, and brought some towels with me to hold it with. I grabbed it and ran backwards down the stairs and driveway to my garbage bin, and tossed it in.

PHEW!!!

Monday, November 02, 2009

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 23:55:23 GMT

I must write about Salome again.

I've probably seen 10 operas by now, although I'd have to struggle to list them all. Salome is by far my favorite. I want to see more operas by Strauss!

The presentation, and my closeness to the stage and orchestra, was so overwhelming, I frequently didn't know what to look at. A clarinet would chirp, a bassoon would growl, a horn would sing, and all sounds would swirl around each other, creating a musical contortion act so intricate I had to try very hard to free my mind enough to take...as much...as possible...in. Watching the orchestra distracted from the stage, which distracted from the supertitles, which distracted from watching the conductor, which distracted from watching the string section, on the other side of the pit from my seat. I wished I'd had 100 eyes to follow everything with. Within the first five minutes of the opera I knew I was watching something that could change my life.

Monday, November 02, 2009

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 02:28:35 GMT

Salome today at SF Opera

Overwhelmed by complexity and beauty of the music. Intricate play between instruments from the start. (Clarinet surges to start opera) ORCHESTRA SEATING, ROW B!!!!!!! Oh my god, the second row, far left, right by the woodwind section, and there were like thousands of them. close enough to see the lust and insanity in her eyes. start of opera surreal, with curtain already open even before orch tunes, and actors walking around in character. Jerry Simas 1st clarinet, Ann Lavin E-flat. Both Rufus's on bassoon. Was looking for Tom Derthick on the other side, but the bases were far away. Though I saw someone that looked like him but wasn't sure, and wasn't able to find out afterward. What the heck's this story about (hadn't read synopsis) until suddenly John the Baptist comes out, and Salome starts going crazy. My hands clench tighter and tighter as the opera goes from there, the story becoming vivid and intense.

She dances, pressing herself against thin sheets, creating this effect designed to make Herod go crazy. She gets covered with the sheets, at one point even completely strips behind a sheet, and is revealed covering herself only with her hands. And then the head...the head is wrapped in a bag, completely dripping with what looks like red blood. It splatters everywhere on the stage. She hugs the head to her, smearing this blood all over her dress, her hands, her face, her chest, her legs. By the end, her dress is soaked in blood, and her insanity is complete. The executioner's hands and sword are soaked with blood, and his chest has bloody slash marks across, dripping. At the final chords, the executioner steps towards her, swings his sword upwards, ready for the final blow, and with the ending crash from the orchestra, the lights go off.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 07:19:55 GMT

It's so difficult, wishing you could be there for someone you care deeply about, and yet knowing you can't, because it's the being there that causes the problems. It's a supreme lesson in patience. I hope I'm learning it correctly, and growing from it. No matter what happens in my life, no matter how old I get, I always want to learn, to grow, and to become a better person from what I experience. If there's one thing I aspire to, it's to always become a better person.

I've realized lately that I've been so fortunate in my life, because I've never experienced failure before. At least, not a failure that really mattered to me. Sure I've made mistakes, done bad things, and had regrets, but after blushing about them, I've always felt they were forgiveable (if barely), something I could move on from, and not worry about beyond a small shade of guilt. The memory of these mistakes serves to make me stronger, by helping me remember that small things don't matter, and are something I can learn from rather than let defeat me. But while I've experienced so much success at UC Davis, I've had my first experience of utter personal failure here as well. I've made mistakes which I regret so deeply, it's hard sometimes to let myself go, to move on, and to respect myself. I spent months just surviving like this, and barely living. Then a very good friend of mine made me realize I could move on, accept my failure, although still be forever embarrassed by it. The memory of this failure does so much more to me than make me blush, but now I use my memory rather than hide from it, and learn from it rather than simply feel shame, letting it serve as a reminder in my life to grow, to care, and to love. That is the way for me - to always learn. I will be many things in life, but I will always be a student, and I will always seek knowledge and humility. On this path, I will be happy. Even if sometimes I have to say, "eventually." No matter what life brings me. I may not always be ready, but I am strong, and can adapt. Sometimes I think that's the most important lesson I learned from UC Berkeley. I have a lot to be thankful for, with that crazy place.

Ah Xanga, you are so excellent for allowing me to ramble.